What is THE DESERTED?

    As Ciabatta, says on the website: This cluster of creative abstraction is a periodical printed, folded, and stapled in the living room of Coffey Haus Press. Soaked through pages that are painstakingly crafted and copied are the original publications of a swath of local artists, writers, and silence breakers. Everything in each edition spilled from head through hands: hand-picked, hand-crafted, hand-cut, and hand-pasted. Through our words and drawings, we appeal to our desire to create and contribute to a society that has both housed and harmed us. This zine is a collection of all the talents we have to offer, and we offer it eagerly. 

    The Deserted is a independently published magazine, who takes artist and author submissions that may not always have the opportunity to be shared in their community. Each page is handmade and collaged with the content of authors and artists featured. Emomailman is the featured advice columnist and co-creator of the collage backgrounds. Below are the articles and other contributions that emomailman has had published in the Deserted. 

The Second Edition 

Advice Articles 

“How do you deal with a friendship break-up? Why isn’t it treated like a break-up with a partner?” – Anonymous

    This question really struck me, and I am not going to lie ‑ this is something I have struggled with as well. I personally feel like these types of things aren’t treated the same as a romantic relationship because there is so much emphasis in our society on the importance of monogamy and romantic connection. I’m no theorist on these types of things, but I do get the sense that in the Western world there is this idea that relationships that are familial or romantic are the most important. However, I would argue that these platonic relationships are what really help people better socialize with the world. I mean, these are the people that we spend most of the time with and it’s like a different type of hurt when you lose a friend.

     Now, how do you deal with it? That’s a loaded question. I feel like there are several different ways to handle this loss. My first question: why did you decide to end the friendship?  Again, going back to this idea of the lack of importance in platonic relationships, it can be very challenging to recognize the toxic traits that your friends may exhibit. If you were leaving for a reason like this, I think it’s most important and helpful to remember what some of the issues were that made the relationship challenging and why you felt the reason to walk away.

    Now, when it comes to a friend leaving you: there is greater potential for internalized distress to occur. Internalized distress is defined as group of emotional symptoms turned toward individual that reveals more prevalent effortful control of behavior, feelings of sadness, low self-esteem, behavioral inhibition, and fears (Merrell, 2008). First and foremost, it’s important to remind yourself that people come in and out of people’s lives for a variety of different reasons. I personally used to be someone that struggled with abandonment, much of which steamed from my childhood. If this is something you can empathize with, it’s important to remind yourself to think rationally. A lot of times our emotional thinking can do something I describe as; “your brain creating conspiracy theories about you” It’s super easy to look at instances or times when you feel like you, “fucked up,” or things that could have gone wrong. Attempting to look for issues in the past or your perceived mistakes is something a lot of individuals do when grieving a break-up of any type.  However, this type of thinking can drive you mad.

There is this idea within Dialectical-Behavioral therapy called, “Radical acceptance”, which is defined as: “the ability to accept situations that are outside of your control without judging them,” (Linehan, 1993). We as people have no control over the actions of others, and to be honest, it can feel pretty shitty. However, understanding this concept helped me manage a lot of interpersonal distress while working with others. It’s important to remind ourselves that we can try everything and that still won’t change a person. AND THAT’S OKAY. It’s cliche to say, but it’s true that there are plenty of people out there that will love you for who you are. Like all healing: it takes time, but I do hope that understanding some of these concepts can help you manage the internalized distress that comes from anyone leaving you. Follow up with your thoughts, because I would love to know if this was helpful to you.

Yours Truly,

The Emo Mailman

Citations:

Merrell, K. (2008). Helping Students Overcome Depression and Anxiety, Second Edition: A Practical Guide.

Linehan, M. (1993). Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

“How do you cope with a partner that seems to never want to have sex, and you have a blossoming libido?” - Anonymous

      Sex, in my opinion, is an important part of a relationship. It can be challenging when you and your partner aren’t on the same page on any type of issue. So, to avoid building up resentment towards your partner, I would address it with them. This can be an intimidating conversation, so it’s important to come from a place of compassion and understanding when talking with your partner. Many times, a low sex drive can be due to some psychological issues; in fact a low sex drive is often a symptom of depression, anxiety, stress, or previous negative sexual experiences.

      I would try to meet your partner where they’re at, meaning assessing what’s going on that you’re aware of. In fact, this can be an easy way to get the conversation started. For example, stating I’ve noticed you’ve been really stressed lately, or I can’t help but be concerned about how you’ve been feeling lately. This can be a good way to start the conversation and perhaps learn what has been going on internally that could be affecting your partners sex drive. I would also share with them the importance of sex to you and how you have been feeling as well (remember to use your “I statements”). You could say something like: I have been feeling somewhat detached from you lately, or I want to share these experiences with you because I care about you. These are just some suggestions I have made to people in the past to start the conversation about sexual issues.

      After finding out the underlying issue of why your partner may be struggling sexually, it’s important to try to empathize with them. As I stated above, many times a low sex drive can be due to a variety of different psychological or past traumatic experiences, so try to really listen to your partner and validate their feelings. It may take them time to be ready or confident to get to a point where they are ready to engage sexually. I would encourage both of you to look at different ways to bring intimacy into your relationship besides sex, too. You could suggest that you spend more time just being physically close: kissing, cuddling, handholding, hugging, massages, dancing, etc. These can build emotional intimacy as well, which for many individuals makes it easier to connect on a sexual level. It’s also important to note that often there is a lot of pressure to have penetrative sex, which can be very intimidating. I would encourage you to explore different sexual acts or utilization of toys in the bedroom as another way to help you manage your libido while being sensitive to the issues your partner may be experiencing.

      Lastly, some people just do not have a high sex drive in general. AND THAT’S OKAY. Many different medications, recreational drug use, or low testosterone can reduce your libido. If your partner doesn’t want sex as frequently, it’s important for you to assess your values in a relationship. If sex in a relationship is of high importance for you, it’s okay to let your partner know that and you might want to consider seeing other people or finding other ways to have your needs met (i.e.: open relationship, masturbation, etc.). In summary, there are many ways to go about this and the biggest piece of advice it to have open communication and listen to your partner compassionately. Stuff like this is never easy to navigate, so hopefully I provided you with some tips and take-aways that you can use to improve your sexual relationship.

Sending sexy vibes your way,

The Emo Mailman

Comic 

The first Edition

Advice articals 

“Where is the line between self-love & selfishness?” – Anonymous

          When I think of self-love, the first thing that comes to mind is that it comes from a place of empathy and compassion. It comes from a place of wanting to be your best self to serve others whereas selfishness comes from a place of indifference, apathy, and disregard for the feelings of others. A selfish person may feel entitled to certain things and would not care about the good of others. In short, self-love is self-advocacy and selfishness is narcissistic.

          If you want to hear more about this this topic from a professional, may I suggest the works of Shame & Guilt researcher, Brené Brown. Within her novel “The Gifts of Imperfections,” she touches on the importance of self-love and ways to incorporate wholehearted living into your daily life. One of the guideposts that she suggests to cultivating this lifestyle is: “letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth” (Brown, 2010 p. 99). She goes on to discuss how within Western culture it’s implied that our “self-worth is based off of our net-worth and base our worthiness on our level of productivity” (Brown, 2010 p. 100). When putting this into the context of how we may care for ourselves, these ideas are harmful in the sense that it promotes a culture of over-worked, sleep deprived, stressed-out persona as the ideal standard of success. It tells you that you must be over worked and hardened by hardship to feel a sense of accomplishment. Whereas ideally, we should want to praise those who can create those boundaries between work and play.

          Overall, in my humble opinion, there is a significant difference between selfishness and self-love. It’s important to acknowledge that everyone needs to rest. It’s important to remember that your self-worth isn’t dependent on your productivity. To challenge my own negative thinking about taking time for myself I always try to imagine what I would say to a friend who was struggling with loving themselves. Sounds silly but trust me: it works. Give it a shot and let me know how it works!

Sending love your way,

The Emo Mailman

**PS: Brené Brown is my inspiration for pretty much everything I do so I highly recommend all her books and TedTalks.**

Citations:

Brown, B (2010). The Gift of Imperfections: Let go of Who you Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. (Pg. 99-104).  

 

“What do you do when you feel lonely?” – Anonymous

    To me, loneliness is one of the worst feelings out there. Especially after emerging from the isolation of this last year, I imagine a lot of people have a fear of being alone. The first step to deal with this is to identify exactly what the feeling is. A lot of the time when I’m alone, it’s hard for me to tell how I am truly feeling. As a society, we put a lot of importance on the relationships we have with others, but we also tend to ignore the importance of enjoying the relationship we have with ourselves. Being alone shouldn’t feel like a punishment. Do you feel like you’re giving yourself the love you need?

    Start small because it’s hard to work on tasks as overwhelming as this all at once. First, identify one thing you want to try or accomplish in the next hour. If being alone is hard: try giving someone a call or a facetime who you wouldn’t normally reach out to first. Or try to learn a skill or practice a hobby you have. If you can’t make time for an hour: make time for 15 minutes.

    Finally, it’s important to ask yourself about the things you can change about your situation so you feel less lonely. Do you wanting a relationship – whether that be a new romance or a new friendship? Do you need someone to talk to? Be honest about what you want and how you want to achieve it. I’ll give you an example: I used to hate being alone and I thought my only solution was to be in a relationship. I got one and guess what: it solved nothing. Turns out I needed to learn how to love myself and enjoy myself in solitude. So get real and make a plan. And let me know how it goes.

 

From one lonely bitch to another,

The Emo Mailman